Preparing Ourselves Before Preparing the Nursery

"There are other parents who know that their children must be educated and who try to do what they can. But very few, even among those who are most serious and sincere, know that the first thing to do, in order to be able to educate a child, is to educate oneself, to become conscious and master of oneself so that one never sets a bad example to one’s child.”

— The Mother

When a baby is expected, we naturally begin to prepare. Lists are made. Appointments are scheduled.  Books on parenting are purchased. The tiny clothes are chosen with extraordinary care. The room is cleaned. A cradle is brought home. A thousand little things are thought of before the baby arrives.

There is something beautiful about this preparation.  It is love taking practical form. We want everything to be ready. We want the child to be safe, comfortable, healthy and well cared for.

But while we are preparing everything for the baby, what about preparing ourselves? What about the person who will be caring for the child? We prepare the nursery.  We prepare the clothes. We prepare the medical arrangements. But how often do we pause to prepare ourselves?

Not to become perfect parents. Not to know every answer. Not to eliminate every weakness before a child arrives. But simply to become a little more conscious of the person we are. This is where The Mother’s teaching becomes remarkably direct.  She tells us that the first thing necessary for educating a child is “to educate oneself, to become conscious and master of oneself.”

The thought is simple. But it is not easy. Because preparing ourselves is completely different from preparing a room. A room can be arranged in a day. But our nature takes time to understand. We begin to notice our impatience. Our reactions.  The words we speak when we are tired. The way we respond when things do not happen according to our wishes. The fears we carry. The expectations we place upon others. The habits we have accepted without questioning. This is where preparation for parenthood becomes a preparation for us.  The Mother does not ask us to hide these things. She asks us to become conscious of them and that is a beginning.

 

The First Preparation

There is a beautiful difference between knowing about ourselves and becoming conscious of ourselves.  We may know that we are impatient, we worry too much, we become angry easily, we may even promise ourselves that we will change.  But consciousness begins when we start observing ourselves while life is actually happening. We notice the irritation as it rises, thoughts before it becomes speech, the impulse before it becomes action. Slowly there is a little space between what we feel and what we do. That space can become the beginning of self-mastery.

The Mother places great importance upon this because, as she says, “To speak good words and to give wise advice to a child has very little effect if one does not oneself give him an example of what one teaches.” A child may listen to a hundred instructions. But the child also watches. A child watches how we speak when we are angry, how we treat someone who disagrees with us, and how we respond when we make a mistake. Can we admit that we were wrong? Can we apologize and begin again? These are not lessons that require a classroom. They are lessons that life itself teaches. The deepest preparation for parenthood is therefore not learning what to say to a child. The Mother reminds parents: “Parents, have a high ideal and always act in accordance with it.”

That sentence gives a different meaning to the word preparation. It does not mean preparing ourselves to become flawless. It means choosing an ideal and allowing our daily life to move gradually towards it.  We want to become more patient, more truthful, more generous, more peaceful, more capable of listening and more capable of controlling our reactions.  The movement may be very small, but it matters.  Because the child does not need parents who have conquered every weakness. The child needs parents who are willing to grow. We do not have to be perfect before the child arrives. We can begin by becoming more conscious of ourselves and the way we live.

What Does It Mean to Educate Ourselves?

To educate ourselves does not simply mean reading more books or learning more about parenting.  It means becoming aware of what is happening within us.  Our reactions.  Our impulses. Our fears.  Our impatience.  Our expectations. Our ways of speaking.  Our ways of responding when life does not go according to our wishes.  To begin observing oneself.  Not with guilt.  Not with fear. Not with the demand to become perfect. Simply with sincerity.  When irritation rises, can we notice it? When we feel the need to control, can we pause? When we are wrong, can we acknowledge it? These may appear to be small things, but this is where it all begins.

The Child Will Learn From What We Are

There is another reason this inner preparation matters so deeply. The child will not learn only from what we tell him.  The child will learn from what we are. The Mother says: “For it is above all through example that education becomes effective.” Then she gives us a remarkable list of qualities: “Sincerity, honesty, straightforwardness, courage, disinterestedness, unselfishness, patience, endurance, perseverance, peace, calm, self-control”. She says these are taught “infinitely better by example than by beautiful speeches.”

This is where preparing ourselves becomes very real.  We may one day tell our child to be patient.  But will the child experience patience in us?  We may teach honesty.  But will the child see honesty in our daily life?  We may ask for self-control. But what will the child see when we are angry?  We may speak about kindness.  But how do we treat people when we are disappointed?  The child may not remember our advice.  But the atmosphere created by our way of living may become part of the child's experience.

What Kind of Ideal Are We Living?

The Mother therefore gives parents another simple but powerful direction:
“Parents, have a high ideal and always act in accordance with it”. A high ideal does not mean creating an impossible picture of ourselves.  It means knowing what qualities we want to embody.

We want our home to have more peace. Then we begin cultivating peace within ourselves. We want our child to grow with courage. Then we begin examining our own fears. We want truthfulness.  Then we become more truthful in our own relationships. We want kindness.  Then we watch how we speak when we are tired, frustrated or hurt. The preparation slowly moves from an idea into a way of living.  The Mother says that little by little, the child may reflect this ideal and spontaneously manifest the qualities that the parents themselves embody “you will see that little by little your child will reflect this ideal in himself and spontaneously manifest the qualities you would like to see expressed in his nature.”  This is not about manufacturing a particular kind of child. It is about creating the conditions in which a human being can grow.

There Is No Need to Become Perfect

This is where we should pause. Because the moment we hear that our own consciousness matters, we may wonder whether we are ready or whether we have worked enough on ourselves. The Mother does not turn this into a demand for perfection. Her teaching points towards continuous progress. She reminds those who teach that each one must be ready to learn, and that whatever has been accomplished, “The main thing is to keep the certitude that whatever may have been accomplished, one can always do better if one wants to..”  What a reassuring thought for a parent. We do not have to arrive finished. We have to remain willing to grow.

Even our imperfections can become part of this preparation, when we begin to notice them rather than simply act through them. We may react harshly today. Tomorrow we may pause before responding. We may discover something in ourselves that needs to change. And slowly, the work continues. That is what preparing ourselves really means. Preparing ourselves does not mean becoming perfect before the child arrives. It means becoming more conscious as we prepare to receive the child.

Before the Nursery, There Is Another Space

We may spend hours deciding what colour the nursery should be. We may carefully choose the cot, the clothes, the books and everything the baby will need.  All of this has its place. But there is another space that deserves our attention. The inner atmosphere of the parents.

The Mother speaks of a mother's own preparation even before birth:

“To see that her thoughts are always beautiful and pure, her feelings always noble and fine, her material surroundings as harmonious as possible and full of a great simplicity—this is the part of education which should apply to the mother herself.  And if she has in addition a conscious and definite will to form the child according to the highest ideal she can conceive, then the very best conditions will be realised so that the child can come into the world with his utmost potentialities. How many difficult efforts and useless complications would be avoided in this way!”

This makes the idea of preparation more practical. It is not about creating a perfect inner state or arranging everything around us. It is about becoming more conscious of the life we are living and the atmosphere we are creating. The nursery can be prepared in a few weeks. Preparing ourselves takes much longer. But that preparation itself is already part of becoming a parent.

A Quiet Conclusion

We can begin now. With one thought becoming a little more peaceful. One reaction becoming more conscious. One relationship becoming more truthful. One moment of impatience becoming an opportunity to learn self-control. One sincere effort to live the qualities we hope to see in our children. The Mother does not give us a complicated formula. She simply brings us back to ourselves.

Perhaps preparing for a child also means preparing ourselves — becoming a little more conscious of how we think, how we feel and how we live.

And perhaps that is where the real preparation begins.

 

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The Soul's Journey to Birth